Inhale Her
by Lawn Girl
Summary: Entry for the Awkward Contest. A summer job, a bachelor party... a chance meeting turns into an Awkward moment. But fate finds a way to smooth out the Awkwardness into something more interesting. Rated M for adult entertainment.
1. Chapter 1

**The "AwkWard" Contest  
Story Title: Inhale Her  
Pen name: YogaGal  
Disclaimer: I own nothing related to Twilight - I'm just trying to make it as awkward as possible.**  
_To see other entries in the "AwkWard" contest, please visit the C2:_  
www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/community/AwkWard_Contest/78356/

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**A/N:** Special spanks to my beta **Gallathea** who helped sparkle this shiz up. And a brand new set of anal beads to **HunterHunting** for the preread. ILY both more than Edward loves his inhaler.

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_How the frick do these things get so dusty?_

I grabbed another wet wipe and began cleaning the products on the top shelf, making sure I got each one. Pulling the last one off, I absentmindedly wiped it down, stroking it clean as I wondered for the eightieth time that day how the hell I ended up in this job.

_Lauren._

My cousin Lauren had somehow convinced me that she had found the perfect retail position for me, and they would hire me immediately, no questions asked. That should have been the first red flag. But at that point, I was desperate for anything. I had needed a part time gig to last me through the summer before I started teaching English at the local high school. Having gotten the job right out of college, I was more than willing to move to the small town of Forks once hired. Despite being a college grad with a job on the horizon, I was still dirt poor and needed some sort of job with bosses who wouldn't mind me bailing once the summer ended.

And, so, that was how I found myself in my current position. I was in no place to quit; I had rent to pay and expenses from the move to deal with. Instead, I did my best to greet customers as cheerfully as possible while choking back the bile that wanted to escape my throat. I grimaced upon hearing the bell over the door chime as someone entered.

_Customers, perfect._

I tried to put on a smile and smoothed out the black polo shirt I had to wear as part of my uniform. Our store logo was emblazoned across the chest in bright purple and pink lettering. I turned around to see two men staring at one of the racks of magazines. The taller of the two had a huge smile on his face as he thumbed through one of the more popular magazines. He laughed out loud and clapped his friend on the back when he saw something he liked. The other guy, however, did not laugh. Instead, he hunched his shoulders even further and pulled his black-framed glasses off to clean them. He looked around nervously as his head twitched slightly. I wondered how long he'd last here before running back out to the safety of his car. Taking a deep breath, I figured I might as well do my job and see if they needed any help.

"Hello, gentlemen. Welcome to Amazing, the adult superstore for all your amazing needs."

I rolled my eyes, grimacing. I absolutely hated the fact that I had to say that damn catchphrase each time somebody walked through the door. The large man turned towards me with a huge grin and barrelled over, dragging his poor friend with him.

"Hey there," he boomed, his loud voice echoing across the store.

"Hello," I repeated. "Can I help you two with anything today?"

I braced myself for the obnoxious comeback, which happened more often than not. It was usually a smartass customer thinking he was unique using some lame line to hit on me. Apparently, working in an adult entertainment store made me appear easy. I was pleasantly surprised that despite his potentially douche-like appearance, the boisterous man in front of remained relatively polite.

"Yes, please. We're looking for some, um...stuff for our friend's bachelor party."

He looked around as he spoke, taking in our inventory. His friend still hadn't looked up, preferring to stare at the floor instead of the life-size cutout of Jesse Jane propped up next to him.

"Okay. Do you have anything in mind? Were you looking for videos or naughty favors or something?" I asked, shocked at how blasé I had become over the whole porn thing in the last month.

The tall guy scratched the back of his neck, deep in thought.

"Hm, you know, I'm not really sure."

"Well, why don't you look around and holler if you have any questions, okay?"

"Sounds good..." he trailed off and peered at my chest.

I was about to slap him before I realized he was looking at my name tag.

"Bella. My name is Bella."

"Great. Thanks, Bella. I'm Emmett, and this sad sack over here is Edward."

He playfully jostled the guy standing next to him. Unfortunately, poor Edward's balance must have been off, and he went flying right into Jesse Jane. He toppled into her, snapping the cardboard cut out in two. I barely heard him cursing under his breath while Emmett laughed up a storm. He quickly righted himself up, and held out the two pieces of the porn star towards me, looking bashful. I finally was able to get a look at him and was surprised at how cute he was. Despite the fact that his face was half covered by the large framed glasses and messy hair, I could see bright green eyes and a chiseled jaw hidden beneath a five o'clock shadow. He was kind of sexy in a total nerdy way.

"Damn, Edward. I can't take you anywhere, can I?" chortled Emmett, completely amused by the scene in front of him.

I was about to reach for the broken porn star when I realized I still had a wet wipe in one hand and a gigantic, dusty dildo in the other. I hastily rubbed up and down the damn thing, cleaning it off, so I could relieve Edward of the hoochtastic cardboard. All of a sudden, I started hearing a horrible wheezing sound. It sounded like a balloon dying and was painful to listen to. I looked up and saw Edward completely red-faced, hyperventilating.

"Dust...in...air..." he gasped out. "Asthma..."

"Oh no, he's having an asthma attack!" I shouted, as if it wasn't painfully clear.

"No shit!" cried Emmett as he hovered over Edward, not having a clue what to do.

"Inhaler..." wheezed Edward, as his hands pried at the top button of the shirt he was wearing. "In...coat...pocket..."

Emmett just stood there looking like an idiot, so I ran over, flinging the dildo up in the air, and went straight for Edward's coat pocket. I rifled in there briefly before triumphantly pulling out his inhaler. He grabbed it from me and took two puffs, his breath slowly restoring itself.

"This standard size?" Emmett asked, breaking through my adrenaline haze.

"Huh?" I asked, having no clue what the hell he was referring to.

I looked behind me to see that Emmett had caught the dildo I had tossed and was turning it every which way, carefully inspecting it. I wearily reverted back to saleswoman mode.

"That right there is the average size. We also keep in stock a large, extra large, and, um...jumbo."

"Jumbo? All right, now we're talking. I need to compare that bad boy to my..."

"Emmett!" wheezed Edward, and I guessed that if he had been able to, he would have shouted.

"What?" Emmett shrugged. "I'm just saying..."

Edward shook his head, burying his face in his hands. Something within me wanted to go over and rub his back, but that would be awfully weird, considering we had just met. Although, I had already wiggled my hand around in his pocket...

Instead, I offered him a water bottle from the mini fridge up front, apologizing for the _Pirates of Penzass_ label on it. Edward took it from me with a slightly shaky hand and an utterance of thanks. I gave him some space and went back to straightening things up while Emmett continued to peruse the store. Every so often, Emmett would shout out, exclaiming over something he found.

"What about this one, Eddie? Do you think Jasper's seen _Shaving Ryan's Privates_? I know he digs those historical flicks..."

Edward occasionally responded with a groan or an exasperated sigh, but didn't speak much.

"What about a blow-up doll?" shouted Emmett from across the store. "Do you think Alice would mind sharing the bed with somebody else?"

"Dude! That's my sister," Edward grumbled, and I had to stifle a laugh.

"What about this?" Emmett called out, holding something up. "I mean, not for Jasper, of course. But maybe Rosie would like a new necklace?"

I watched as Emmett fingered the beads in his hand for a few seconds before I shouted out to him.

"Those are anal beads, Emmett. They go up your—" Before I was able to even finish my sentence, Emmett had dropped the beads and was already off to look at something else.

It was quiet for another few minutes until Emmett came hulking back over.

"Eddie, think fast!" he called out and tossed Edward something.

I couldn't quite tell what it was at first, but it was something flesh colored.

"What the hell is this?" asked Edward, inspecting it.

_Oh._ I noticed what it was.

"It's a pocket pussy!" exclaimed Emmett with glee.

Edward twitched once more, and his hands flung the JackOff into the air, where it ended up landing behind him with a dull thud. Edward began wiping his hands on his pants, cursing Emmett under his breath again. I had to admit, this was turning into one of the more interesting days I had ever experienced since beginning my time at Amazing Superstore.

We didn't really have a regular "type" with our clientele. What amazed me when I first started working here was how varied the customer base truly was. For some reason, I was anticipating dealing with creepy guys with greasy comb-overs, pale skin, and questionable stains on their clothes. And while I did get some of those people, the majority were regular, run of the mill folk - dads swinging by in their minivans after dropping their kids off at school, a gaggle of college-aged girls giggling over the selection of vibes and dildos, and even couples in their sixties looking to spice up their sex lives.

As I contemplated our clientele base, I failed to realize what had been happening to Edward, but a strangled cry pulled me from my thoughts. I looked over to see Edward wringing his hands, unshed tears swimming in his eyes. I walked over and noticed that his hands had swelled to almost twice their previous size and were covered in a raised, red rash. He was rocking back and forth, emitting a horrible sob-like noise.

"Edward?" I asked, wondering if I could help.

"I'm f-f-f-fine," he stuttered. "It's just an allergic reaction. Do you happen to have a washroom I could use?"

At this point Emmett made his way over and stared at Edward, his mouth flapping open and shut.

"What the fuck, dude? What happened?"

"The, um, thing you threw at me?" Edward got out through "It was made of latex, and I'm extremely allergic to latex."

"Dude!" boomed Emmett, even though we were all standing within two feet of him. "You're allergic to vag! That's insane."

"No," muttered Edward as his face flushed bright red. "I'm not allergic to v-v-v-vagina. Just latex, you idiot."

"Whatever, dude," laughed Emmett. "You're totally allergic to poon. I mean, I've never seen you with a chick, and now this..."

"It's a serious allergy, you ass," hissed Edward.

"In that case dude, you should see if Bella here has any of those sheepskin condoms in stock. Do they still even make sheepskin? I mean, yeah, I realize sheep still have skin, but do they make rubbers out of it?"

Emmett walked off laughing at himself and shaking his head. Edward turned to me, the expression on his face absolutely heartbreaking.

"There's an employee bathroom right through the back doors there, and we don't allow customers to use it," I prattled on. "But, I'd say these are extenuating circumstances and you should be fine. Just don't, um...touch anything, please."

There was no way I was going to get in trouble with my dick of a boss Mike for allowing Edward to use the bathroom. Edward scurried off, wringing his hands in front of him the entire way. I went back to straightening things up and had even helped Emmett choose a few items to purchase when Edward returned. Emmett was at the register buying his things when Edward walked up to him. His hands were still slightly swollen and tinged with red, but they didn't look nearly as bad as they had before.

"Better?" I asked as I rang up a copy of the August issue of _ButtMan Magazine_.

Edward shrugged but declined to answer. Instead, his eyes darted to the counter as he looked over the various products we had placed there. His hand shot out and grabbed a white tube, and he squirted some of it on his hands before I had a chance to stop him.

"Um...what are you doing?"

"Oh," he said, ducking his head down and refusing to look at me. "I thought these were samples and were okay to try."

"They are, but..."

Before I was able to explain what he just used, Edward started shaking his hands again as Emmett grabbed the tube and read off the label.

"Astroglide Warming Lube. Turn up the heat with this powerful lubricant. Nice, man, you just slathered your hands in warming lube. You're ready to make some pussy tingle!"

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," cried Edward softly, wiping his hands on his shirt, leaving streaks of lube all over it. "I thought it was lotion, and my hands were chapped from having washed them eighty times to get the latex off. Fuck."

When he said the last "fuck," he looked up at me, his gaze piercing despite the slight twitch of his eye. I won't lie; it was kind of hot. I didn't have time to try and make some googly eyes back at him, though, since he kept flapping his hands and muttering, "Fuck, it burns," over and over again. I grabbed a few of the wet wipes I had been using to clean the dildos and waved one in front of him. Edward eagerly grabbed it from me and thoroughly wiped his hands, his eyelids fluttering closed as, I assumed, the pain subsided. I rifled through my purse, which was stashed behind the counter, and pulled out a tube of hand cream that I thought might help. I tentatively held it out to him, hoping he'd accept it.

"Thanks," whispered Edward in a defeated voice.

The poor guy couldn't have had a worse day, and I felt bad for him. It didn't help that he kept glancing up at me with his big, green eyes. I doubted he had any clue how nerdishly sexy he was, but I figured this wasn't the time or the place to clue him in to that. I finished ringing Emmett up and handed him his purchases in our standard black, plastic bag. Emmett waved goodbye and headed for the exit, while Edward idled for a moment. He lifted his head up, and I could see a small smile start to show.

"Here," he said, offering me back the tube of cream. "Thank you."

I took it from his grasp, our fingers touching slightly, and I gasped at the tingle I felt. It was most likely residue from the warming lube, but I almost hoped it was something else.

*******

A week later, I was doing everything in my power to avoid my cousin Lauren's demands that we go out for a girls' night out. Unfortunately, she was insistent, and when she showed up on my doorstep, decked out in what looked like the latest hoochwear from Forever 21, I knew I had no choice but to comply. However, I would not wear the barely there mini skirt or the super sheer top she tossed at me. My worn in jeans, v-neck shirt from Old Navy, and comfy boots would have to suffice. I could tell from Lauren's pout the entire drive to the bar that she was less than pleased.

We pulled up in front of some bar with a rope at the door and a line down the street.

"What is this place?" I asked Lauren, wondering where the hell she had taken me.

"It's only the hottest new club in Port Angeles," she said, as if I should have already known.

I rolled my eyes as she hopped out of the car, handing off her keys to the valet. We walked up to the front of the line - or rather, I walked while Lauren sashayed. She put her perfectly manicured hand on the bouncer's bulky shoulder and leaned in, whispering something. The guy looked her up and down, and Lauren winked at him. I fought back the urge to puke right there. He then scanned me over, turning back to Lauren with a raised eyebrow. She whispered something else, and he cocked his head towards the bar, motioning for us to go in. Lauren grabbed my hand and sauntered through the entrance. I followed, mostly against my will, to the sound of shouts and complaints behind us.

The place was loud, the bass of whatever crappy music they were playing thumping, causing the floor to shake. It was also crowded, and people had no problem sliding all up in my personal space just to get by. I started to head to the bar to get a drink when Lauren spotted somebody she knew.

"I'm just going to go dance for a bit, Bella," she said, her body already weirdly convulsing to the music. "Go grab yourself a drink and try to loosen up!"

With a loud rallying cry, she made her way onto the dance floor, getting completely engulfed by the massive crowd. I checked my phone and wondered how long we'd have to stay here, cursing myself for not thinking ahead and driving myself. I made my way up to the bar and did my best to await the bartender's attention patiently. I flung my hand out each time he passed, to no avail. Frustrated, I let out a groan, wondering if I'd ever get a drink. Just as I thought I got his attention, somebody clapped me on the shoulder, spinning me around.

"Pussy Pal!" I blinked a few times until Emmett's face came into clear focus.

"Emmett?" I asked, just to make sure, although I doubt there could have been any mistaking the Neanderthal in front of me for someone else.

"In the flesh, baby. How's it going, Bella? Sell any sparkly dildos today?" he laughed.

I rolled my eyes and - as discreetly as possible - looked around to see if perhaps Edward was out with him, despite not being to picture him in a place like this at all.

"No, Emmett. No sparkly dildos today. Just a butt plug and a bunch of porn."

Emmett's eyes bugged out for a second before he started laughing, clapping me on the shoulder again. I stumbled as I tried to steady myself.

"You're a funny one, Bella. Whatcha doing here?"

"Trying to get a drink, but no luck," I explained with a shrug.

Emmett pushed by me and went right up to the bar. With his booming voice and meaty hands, he demanded the attention of the bartender and got it almost immediately.

"What do you want?" he asked.

"Gin and tonic, please," I replied, pleased that Emmett had come along right at the opportune time.

I went to pay, but before I could, Emmett had already taken care of it.

"Oh, thanks. You really didn't have to do that."

"My pleasure, Bella. I figure I owed ya after all that drama Eddie pulled in your store the other day."

I waved him off and told him it was no big deal, and I swore I heard him mutter under his breath, "Eddie thought you were a big deal."

Emmett didn't seem to be going anywhere, so I tried to make polite conversation while we stood there.

"So, what are you up to tonight?"

Something I said must have reminded him of something, and he grabbed my hand, pulling me behind him. I did my best to hold on tight to my drink, but some of it sloshed out of the cup.

"Where are we going?" I shouted, but as Emmett dragged me farther from the bar, the music got louder, drowning out anything I was saying.

Finally, he led me to an area roped off to the side.

"Ta da!" he exclaimed, waving his hand with a flourish, as if he was revealing a _Price is Right_ showcase.

I looked around and saw a velvet booth and a few chairs surrounding a table. Sitting on one end of the booth was a handsome man with wavy blond hair and piercing blue eyes. Next to him was...Edward.

"Hey," I said awkwardly, feeling weird for having crashed their party.

"Jasper, this here's the girl we were telling you about, Bella."

_Oh._ They were talking about me? I shyly waved at Jasper and said hi, then turned to look at Edward. He was avoiding my gaze, so I just said hello in his general direction.

"Please, take a seat, join us," instructed Emmett as he shoved me towards the empty seat next to Edward.

I plopped down, drink in hand, and quickly tossed back at least half the glass. It burned a bit going down, but warmed me up and gave me some courage.

"How...how are you doing, Edward? Are your hands doing better?"

I mentally slapped myself for asking such a stupid question. Who wants to talk about the allergic reaction they got to a latex vag? I steeled myself for Edward's response and hoped he'd be somewhat kind.

"Um, yeah. Er...um...Thanks for asking."

I finished the rest of my drink, and - emboldened by the liquor quickly taking effect - I slid a bit closer to Edward, my thigh bumping into his leg.

"Oh, shit!" he blurted out as his beer tumbled across the table.

Jasper jumped up right in time, avoiding the stream of beer that had been headed his way. Emmett tossed a few napkins on the table and then nudged Jasper.

"We'll go get some paper towels, and I'll spring for another beer for you, Ed. Bella, can I get you another drink?"

I nodded at Emmett, giving him a weak smile. He and Jasper left Edward and me alone in the dark booth.

"I, um..."

"Bella, I..."

We both started to talk at the same time, but Edward held a hand up, motioning for me to continue.

"Edward, I... I'm sorry I brought up the other day. I just wanted to see how you were doing."

I took a chance and placed my hand on his upper thigh. I thought I heard a squeak come from Edward before he began to speak.

"Bella, I... I have no idea what I'm doing here."

His breathing started to pick up, and I didn't want him to have another asthma attack, so I cut to the chase, leaning forward to kiss him. My lips landed on his, but instead of him kissing me back, as I had hoped, he just sat there, unmoving. His hand came up to his leg, however, clamping down around mine. It was clammy and sweaty. Finally, after what seemed like forever, Edward finally started returning my kiss. He turned his face slightly to get a better angle, and his glasses bopped into my nose. I leaned back slightly, silently asking if I could remove them. He nodded and then closed his eyes before leaning back in for another kiss.

I met him halfway this time, and while he squished my hand on his thigh, his tongue clumsily probed my mouth. It wasn't the best kiss ever, but it was still incredibly sweet. I knew there was a stud underneath all the anxiety and asthma, and I wanted to be the one to help find him. Before I could try anymore, Emmett and Jasper came back. A few catcalls on their part were all Edward needed to rip himself away from me.

"Sorry," he mumbled.

I took my other hand and placed it over his own, which was still clenched with mine, and gave it a squeeze.

"Don't be."

Another round of drinks and a quick peck on the cheek later, I made my goodbyes and shot off in search of Lauren. The night had turned out better than expected. I had only a few more short weeks until I had to start up at school, so despite wanting to see Edward again, I didn't have much time. Between planning lessons and working at Amazing, I had barely enough energy to come home and make dinner for myself, let alone go out. Yet, the memory of our kisses had me itching for a way to contact him.

Instead, I channeled all of that untapped frustration into planning some kickass lessons for my students. I had packed up all my books and papers, and nervously made my way to Forks High for the teacher work day before the start of the semester. As I made my way into the main office, a shock of messy hair caught my eye. When the person turned around, I couldn't help but stumble over my own two feet.

"Hey, Edward," I said shyly, completely surprised that he was here. "What...what are you doing here?"

Neither of us had mentioned what we did for a living. I assumed they thought I just worked at Amazing; I hadn't felt the need to let them know about my real job. Edward never offered up what he did.

"Bella!" he said in surprise, looking around him as if he was searching for something. "I teach here. AP Bio. What are you doing here?"

I figured a little joking around never hurt, and it might help break the ice between us.

"Oh, special delivery?" I held out the covered box of books and thrust it towards him.

Edward took three steps back, hitting the copying machine with his butt, pressing all sorts of buttons in the process. It started churning out papers at rapid speed while Edward tried to shut it off.

"Oh, jeez. Oh...no. No, Bella. That's um...that's not okay. Not here. I don't want. I don't want your v-v-vagina here!"

My eyes widened and my hand flew up to my open mouth.

"That's not what I meant!" groaned Edward. "I meant, I hope you didn't bring that latex thing. Is this a joke? Did Emmett put you up to this?"

I shook my head quickly. "No, no. I actually work here. I just started this year; I'm teaching English."

Edward looked at me, his pale face quirking up into a half smile.

"Oh."

"Oh," I repeated, looking around nervously.

This wasn't going to end well, and I could already see Edward reaching for his inhaler, his chest heaving up and down. I made my exit as quickly as possible.

"Okay then. I'm sure I'll see you around. You know, like at a faculty meeting or something."

I rushed out of the office, searching the hallways for my room number so I could hide out for a bit. I knew Edward was probably just as mortified as I was. It was exactly my luck that not only did he know of my summer profession, but that we made out as well.

The sad fact was that I actually liked him, and probably would have tried to pursue him if the situation was different. However, I just couldn't see Edward being okay with a workplace romance. I tried to take my mind off of it as I decorated my classroom, stringing up literary quotes across the room.

I was down on my hands and knees, trying to find a dry erase marker that had rolled under my desk when I heard a shuffling of feet and a dry cough behind me. I went to stand up and banged my head on the underside of the desk.

"Ow!" I called out, rubbing the top of my head.

"S-s-sorry," came a voice from behind me, and I would have recognized that stutter anywhere.

"Oh, hey Edward."

I brushed off some stray dust bunnies as I stood up, placing the lost marker on my desk. I'm sure I looked a fright. The air conditioners had been on the fritz and the windows in my classroom were stuck, so I had been working in what felt like a sauna all day. I was flushed, sweaty and down to my tank top, after having gotten rid of my more demure button down shirt earlier.

"Hey, Bella. I just...I just wanted to apologize for before. I didn't mean to say that about your, um...your v-v-vagina," he stuttered once more, and I just wanted to reach out and pinch his cheeks - he was that cute.

However, before I could apologize myself, for my tactless joke from earlier, Edward continued to ramble on, his face growing redder by the second.

"What I mean is that of course I want your v-v-vagina around here. Well, no," he clarified, slapping his forehead. "Not your, you know, just...you. I like that you're working here."

I grinned, excited that Edward was actually happy about me working in the same building as him, despite his roundabout way of sharing that bit of information.

"So, if you want to possibly grab some lunch or something, I can fill you in on the school. Or give you a tour of it. Or, neither of those things. We can just stay here and talk. Although, it's awfully warm. Have you, um, noticed? That it's awfully warm? Because it is...warm, that is."

I decided to put the poor boy out of his misery. I walked over and linked my arm through his.

"I would be delighted to grab a bite with you, Edward. And I promise – no latex, and all talk of pocket pussies ends now."

Edward sputtered for a second, his eyes growing wide, before he broke out into an easy laugh. A wave of calm washed over me as I realized this could be the start of something interesting.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **After all the angst of Little Plastic Castle, I needed a little silly fluff. How about you? I know I've been promising a follow up shot to my AwkWard contest entry, and here it is!

Huge thanks and love to Lexiecullen17 for beta-ing and just being an awesome friend in general. Snuggles and thanks to IngenueFic, KikiKinz and HunterHunting for the preread - you ladies rock!

Stick around for a monster A/N at the end where I fill ya in on what's up next for me fic-wise!

_Disclaimer: _As always - I don't own these guys. I just put them in awkward situations!

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I stood in front of my closet for almost half an hour, trying to find the perfect dress. As I sifted through the small selection that I had, I felt like I was transported back to my own high school years when I nervously prepared for a school dance.

Although I was no longer a gawky, acne-prone teenager with braces, I was still fighting off the stomach ache that was brewing over what I deemed a serious fashion emergency. I finally pulled out three dresses that seemed appropriate for chaperoning a high school dance. The first was one that Lauren had forbidden me from wearing when we went out together. I held it out at an arm's length, wondering what was so bad about it. It was a dark forest green color in a soft jersey knit. The long sleeves would keep me warm and with the ankle-length skirt I wouldn't have to worry about whether it was acceptable or not. Plus, it was super comfy.

I also knew that it would make me look shapeless and drab, _not_ what I was going for. It's not like I wanted to look all fun and flirty, although if Lauren had her way I'd be showing up in some horribly uncomfortable metallic mini dress. While that wasn't my style by a long shot, I could also admit that I _did_ want to look nice.

So, it was down to two dresses now.

_Sigh._

The second dress wasn't bad, and I thought that even Lauren would approve. It was black and came down just below my knees. The top had a boat neck cut to it, so a bit of my collarbone peeked through. With some colorful jewelry this could look okay, but it was still a bit on the boring side.

I tossed it onto the bed in a huff.

The last dress that passed the "high school teacher" test was one that had slipped by unnoticed. I wasn't sure how it had come to hang in my closet, but I was glad it was there. It was black, but because of some velvet details, it wasn't boring at all. It was also sleeveless with an asymmetrical neck line that showed off some skin without being too trashy. Plus, it had some cute little pockets as well.

I shrugged off my robe and slipped on the dress, liking how it fit my curves without being too tight. I found a pair of stylish heels and slid them on. Just as I was pulling my hair back into a ponytail, I heard a door slam shut and jumped from the noise.

"It's just me!" Lauren's voice called out from the other room, and I rolled my eyes.

_Perfect. _

Now I'd either second guess my dress choice or end up being late letting Lauren attack me with her "fashion prowess." I gave myself one more glance in the mirror before walking out into the living room, resolved to stick with what I had on. As I entered the room, I steeled myself for Lauren's assault, knowing that she wouldn't just let me leave without getting a comment or two in.

"Bella!" she gasped as she eyed me up and down. "You look...stunning!"

She looked positively shocked, and I stuck my tongue out at her.

"Shut up."

"No, seriously!" she exclaimed, coming closer. Lauren walked around me in a circle, eyeing me carefully. "I mean, your hair's not done yet, of course, but otherwise...va va voom!"

She gave me a wink, and I shook my head as she herded me into the bathroom to fix my hair...that I had already done. Apparently just pulling it back into a ponytail didn't constitute being done. However, I let Lauren have at it, since she had been so complimentary on my outfit.

I closed my eyes as she went to work, reminding her that I only had another twenty minutes before I had to leave. That didn't deter her, however, and she worked diligently, pulling my hair painfully in all sorts of directions.

"So, Bella...what's the story? Why are you getting all sexified for a school dance?"

I knew if I opened my eyes I would see her staring at me with that evil, perfectly tweezed arched eyebrow of hers raised to her hairline.

"Um, what?" I answered evasively. "They told us to dress nicely since it's a holiday dance. Get in the spirit and all that."

"Mhmm," Lauren huffed. "If that was the truth, you'd have been rocking that hiddy green Amish dress you love so much. I think there's another reason."

I kept my mouth shut and started humming_ Jingle Bells_ under my breath, hoping Lauren would finally give up.

"Oh!" she shouted as she yanked a piece of my hair upward. "I know! It's because of Ed-d-d-d-d-d-ward!"

The way she sounded out his name made it sound positively ridiculous, and if I was honest with myself, this whole thing probably was ridiculous.

After realizing we'd be working together, Edward and I slipped into a friendly working relationship. I'd swing by his classroom to chat, or we'd bump into each other in the teachers' lounge and share some coffee. Sometimes he even come into my classroom, but only when no students were present, not that it mattered. He would never dare to do anything even remotely flirtatious with me. As the weeks passed, I came to see that despite his nervous tendencies, Edward was clearly passionate about his job and not eager to muck things up with a workplace romance.

It wasn't like I didn't try to push things there. There was the time that I reached out and goosed him as he bent over to grab some things from a bottom shelf. His wide-eyed stare and beet red face as he shirked into the corner made me feel like quite the floozy. But who could resist that perfectly round ass staring me in the face? It was begging to be grabbed.

It wasn't all my fault though. There would be times that he'd place his warm hand on my shoulder while looking over to read something. How was I supposed to concentrate when he was feeling me up that way? At least my shoulder got a grope because no other part of me did.

The sexually tense undercurrent between the two of us was never far away, and in my mind only grew stronger as we became better friends. I knew from our brief, intimate moment during the summer that there was definitely a physical connection between the two of us, but actually getting to know Edward these past few months made me realize what a great guy he was overall. A few more months had passed, but I was too chicken shit to try and bring up the fact that I wanted more than just friendship.

I didn't care that he usually wore a plastic pocket protector in his button down short sleeve shirt or that his hair was a total crazy mess. I never minded when he'd start waxing on about how awesome mitosis was. And it rarely bothered me that sometimes he ate stinky egg salad sandwiches for lunch .

I liked that when his glasses slipped down his nose because he was so focused on what he was reading that I could see how perfectly clear and bright his eyes were. I liked when those same eyes turned dark and fierce whenever he lectured to his students about something that he was passionate about (I may have peeked in to one of his classes a time or two). And I loved that when we were together, he looked at me like I was the only one in the room.

There was _definitely_ a spark between us, and I knew Edward felt it too, but he was too shy and reluctant to act on it. I decided it was up to me, then. No more pussy footing around. I was going to fancy myself up for this dance and let Edward know, once and for all, how I felt. My only problem was I didn't actually have a plan as to how I was going to go about doing that...

"There!" Lauren's excited squeal pulled me out of my head, and I finally opened my eyes to take a look. Apparently when I was lost in thoughts of Edward, Lauren was busy as well. My hair now fell in soft waves around my face, and she had taken the liberty of doing my make up as well, adding a bit of blush to my cheeks and some color to my eyelids.

"He's not going to be able to resist you, cuz," she said with a smirk.

I shook my head, not really wanting to jinx myself, but praying to all that was holy that Lauren was actually right. I thanked her profusely and grabbed my jacket, eager to get going. I was never usually this eager to chaperone school dances. Usually, I just did them for the extra cash. But when I found out that Edward would be chaperoning as well, I knew I wouldn't miss it for the world.

As I pulled into the school parking lot, making sure to find a spot closest to the gym, I noticed that all of the trees and bushes had been decorated with pretty twinkling lights. A few red bows graced the doors, and when I opened them up I was hit with a Winter Wonderland explosion. Disco lights glittered in the gym, giving off an effect of falling snow. Bats of cotton had been strewn around the edges of the gym to continue the theme, and somehow they managed to get a huge, old wooden sleigh inside. A DJ was setting up by the side, and a long table pushed up near the bleachers had snacks and bowls of punch set up.

I looked around, taking it all in as I peeled my coat off.

"Ms. Swan!" shrieked a voice, and I spun around just in time to avoid a run in with Bree, one of my favorite students.

"Whoa. Hot teacher alert!" she practically shouted, and I waved my hands as my face turned bright right.

"You look great, too, Bree," I told her, approving of her ice blue spaghetti strap dress. It had a bit of a poofy skirt, making it look fun and fashionable at the same time. "The place looks amazing too. You guys did a wonderful job."

Even if Bree hadn't been my student, there was no way to miss that she had been the head of the committee to get the Winter Wonderland dance off the ground. She had been working for weeks, making sure everything was perfect.

"Really?" she asked as she looked around, inspecting the place. "Thanks. I just...I hope Riley likes it."

I twisted my lips to the side with a small smile.

"Riley, huh?" I asked, thinking of the captain of the soccer team. "He'd be a fool not to."

Bree's smile lit up the room as she surprised me by throwing her arms around my waist and squeezing tight. "Thanks, Ms. Swan."

Before I was able to say anything else, she flitted away to shout at somebody who had allowed some crepe paper to fall to the floor. After finding a safe place for my coat, I went to check in with Mrs. Cope, who was sitting at the front of the gym, taking tickets.

"Ah, Ms. Swan, welcome. I've stationed you between the DJ and the refreshment table. I've assigned Mr. Cullen to assist you, that way if we run out of food one of you can run and get some while the other stays to keep an eye on things."

I tapped down the urge to squeal and do a little victory dance, and just thanked Mrs. Cope before making my way to my spot. I looked around nervously for Edward, but I didn't see him at all. Instead of eagerly staring at the entrance to the gym, I decided to be good and actually do my job. My foot tapped to the beat of some nameless pop song the DJ was spinning as I surveyed the room.

Everything looked like it was going smoothly. There was already a line of kids by the sleigh, all eager to get their pictures taken in it. A few kids were on the makeshift dance floor, but thankfully none of them were dancing close enough to make babies. Having to step up and discreetly ask teens to dance less provocatively was one of my least favorite duties.

A few kids were milling around by the snack table, and frankly, they looked a little suspicious. Before I was able to walk over and see what was up, I felt a strange flush of warmth as somebody brushed by me. I spun around to see Edward standing in front of me, looking absolutely delicious in a dark gray suit.

"Hey," I said as I checked him out. I knew it was probably wrong of me, but he was looking damn fine, and I wasn't going to let this moment pass me by.

"Hi," he replied as his own eyes took me in. "You look really pretty, Bella...um, I mean, Ms. Swan."

Edward's cheeks flushed red as he brought his hand up to his face, muttering to himself. I suppressed a giggle and closed the gap between us, placing my hand on his arm. With a quick squeeze, I tried to reassure him.

"Thank you. I'm glad you think so, Mr. Cullen."

I may have laid it on a little thick, flirtatiously drawing out his name, but I had gotten all dolled up for this dance, and I was going to bring my A-game. Granted, because we were still working, my A-game would be relegated to stolen glances and perhaps a quick flash of thigh, but I wasn't going to end this evening without Edward knowing my intentions towards him. Unfortunately, my game would have to be paused for the time being as more kids started flooding the gym.

Edward and I assumed our positions and kept an eye on things. When I turned back to the refreshment table, the group of boys was gone, and everything looked fine. All of a sudden, from the ceiling of the gym, snow started to fall down. I caught a bit with my hand, only to find that it was a mixture of paper confetti and shaved soap. Bree had really thought of everything.

Kids squealed and jumped around in the "snow," having a good time. I had to admit that this dance was truly turning into quite the success. I looked around to see if Edward was enjoying the Winter Wonderland as much as I was, only to find him hunched over and wheezing.

"Edward?" I cried out, worried that he was sick.

"I...I'll be okay," he said right before taking a huge puff of his inhaler. "I must have breathed in some of the flakes, and it caused an asthma attack."

I rubbed circles on his back as he tried to get his breathing back to normal. I probably kept my hand on him longer than necessary, but I wasn't going to miss my opportunity to touch him. Unfortunately, he finally stood back up and backed away, replacing his inhaler in his jacket pocket.

"Really," he said, his face a bit flushed. "I'm fine now."

I could tell he was embarrassed and didn't push the issue. Instead, I focused my attention to the dance floor. A bunch of kids were already out on there, but the DJ kept the music moving fast, and they were mostly dancing in large groups. I found myself tapping my foot to the beat, and when I looked over at Edward again, I saw that he might have been shaking his hips in time to the music.

When he caught me looking, he became all flustered and started mumbling five different things at once. I turned away to avoid embarrassing him any further, and when I turned back I saw that he was at the refreshment table, pouring himself a glass of punch. I couldn't help but stare as he downed the glass all in one gulp, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down as he swallowed. His tongue peeked out to catch a few small drops on his lips, and I might have groaned at the sight. I turned around before he could catch me, because I didn't want to make him more nervous.

When he returned to his spot, I noticed that he had another full glass of punch and some cookies. Edward caught my eye and held out the drink, offering me some. I shook my head and pointed at the cookies in his hand. Edward got the hint and walked over, handing me a cookie. I knew I had to send a stronger message, so I pulled his hand up to my mouth and took a bite out of the cookie, straight from it. Crumbs flew everywhere, and the pasty cookie felt heavy and dry in my mouth.

Not sexy at all.

"G-g-good?" he stuttered, apparently turned on by my horrible attempt at seduction.

"S'okay," I mumbled around a mouthful of cookie.

I looked around for his drink, only to be surprised that he had already down his second cup. Edward ran off to get some more punch while I tried to swallow the rest of the almost inedible cookie. While he was gone, I noticed a couple of kids dancing a bit too close for my taste. And no, it wasn't just because I was jealous. Okay, maybe a little jealous. But they looked like they were practicing their baby-making skills while clothed. It thankfully didn't take more than a clearing of my throat as I sidled up next to them to get the message across, and they sheepishly parted, allowing a few inches of space between them before starting to dance again.

Walking back to my spot, I noticed Edward had refilled his cup and was walking towards me. Before I was able to reach out and grab the drink, Bree ran up to me, effectively edging herself between us.

"Hey, Bree. Everything going okay?"

"Yup!" she said as she bounced on her toes. "It's going great! And guess what?"

She paused to give me a second but then practically burst as she kept racing to talk.

"Riley asked me to dance! I told him I just had to check on one thing and then I'd be able to. I can't believe it, but he did!"

I was thrilled for Bree and let her knew, urging her to get going and grab her dance. She didn't need to be told twice and hurried away, waving to me as she did. I saw her walk up to Riley, and I couldn't help but smile as he took her hand and led her out to the dance floor. After allowing myself a moment to feel all sentimental, I turned to look for Edward. He wasn't visible at first, but then I heard him. Or at least, I thought it was him.

It was certainly a very un-Edward-like noise.

I swore I heard a moan and looked in the direction it came from. It was definitely Edward. His tongue was out, all pink and glistening, licking the inside of the green plastic cup in his hand.  
_  
What the hell?_

Edward finally caught me staring, but he didn't seem to mind.

"What?" he all but purred. "It's really good."

His words kind of strung themselves together, and his voice had suddenly dropped an octave.

"Okay," I said and continued to stare.

When he was certain that he had licked all the last remaining drops from the cup, he set it down and sighed. Then, his hand moved up to his tie, and he tugged a little, loosening it. I gawked as his long fingers then attacked a shirt button, freeing it before moving on to the next. Before he could reach a third, I rushed over and grabbed his hand.

"Edward! What are you doing?" I shouted as quietly as I could. Thankfully, the music was loud enough that I didn't think anyone heard.

Now that I was up close, I could see that Edward's face was flushed red, and the color spread further down to his now exposed neck and top of chest. I immediately moved my hand from grasping his and placed it on his forehead. He was burning up!

"Are you sick?" I asked, starting to panic.

"I don't think so..." he said. His eyes were slightly glazed as he looked at me with a lazy grin. "I mean, I'm sick over you. But I don't think I'm actually sick."  
_  
Sick over...me?_

I had no clue what as wrong with him, but whatever it was had caused him to start talking in riddles. I figured I'd push him a little to see if I could get anything more out of him. I moved as close as I could without arising any suspicion from the students and whispered in his ear.

"Why would you be sick over _me_?"

I closed my eyes in anticipation of the answer. I only had to wait a few seconds before I got my answer, accompanied by a warm breath reeking of...coconut rum?

"Because you're B-b-bella. You're amazing. And I really, really like you. Like..._like_ you."

I almost couldn't even concentrate on his slightly swoon worthy response as I leaned in to sniff his breath. Yup. Definitely rum.

"Have you been drinking?" I hissed, deciding to focus on the more pressing matter at hand. If Mrs. Cope or any of the other teachers spotted him, he'd be pulled into the principal's office for disciplinary actions.

"Of course not." He paused to hiccup. "...Ms. Swan. I would never drink at a school flunction. Flunction? Hah! Some of these kids probably would be better off at a flunction!"

He started laughing at his horribly unfunny joke, causing those around us to stare. I had to think quick.

"Oh, Mr. Cullen. You are quite funny." When people finally stopped looking, I growled at him. "Now shut your trap or you're going to be in big trouble!"

"Bella..." More hiccups. "The moment I laid eyes on you I was in trouble. Laid, ha! I wish!"

He continued to laugh loudly, and I finally grabbed him by the upper arm and tugged him towards the exit. As we passed a confused looking Mrs. Cope I muttered some lame excuse about Edward having a nasty stomach ache and just barreled by.

We made it out to the courtyard, but of course a few students were straggling about, trying unsuccessfully to hide the cigarette smoke that billowed out around them. I didn't have the time to reprimand them, and instead i looked around frantically for a place to take Edward.

"Room," he blurted out, and I stopped to swivel around and look at him.

"Huh?"

"My room. My classroom," he clarified, and I was surprised to note how decent of an idea he'd had while drunk.

With my arm now around his waist supporting him, Edward and I hobbled over to another entrance and up a flight of stairs. We made it down a dark hallway until we were at his classroom. Thankfully, the door was unlocked, and I made a note to mention that the security around this place, especially on the night of a dance, wasn't so hot.

Edward collapsed into his chair, and it immediately shot backward, the wheels on the bottom propelling him across the room.

"Weeeeeeeee!" he shouted as he kicked his legs up in the air.

"Edward. Edward!"

I ended up having to yell to get his attention.

"Yes, darling Bella?" he asked, staring at me.

I gulped at his phrasing, but knew it was the alcohol talking.

"How the hell are you drunk? I know you have tenure, but they could sure as shit still fire you for being drunk at a school event!" I hissed.

"But Bella," he whined. "I'm not drunk. I swear. I don't drink! You know red wine gives me hives! All I had today was some coffee, a root beer and a glass of um..."

Edward finished off the sentence in a mumble, and I had to force him to repeat himself.

"..prune juice."

I stifled the laugh that wanted to escape and moved forward with a straight face.

"And that's it?" I challenged.

"I...uh...punch? I had some punch at the dance."

My brow furrowed as I thought back to the big bowl of red liquid at the snack table. There was no way that...

Those kids! I knew those guys that were hanging around the snack table were up to something. I totally forgot about them when Edward arrived. They must have spiked the punch. I'd let Mrs. Cope know later, but right now I had to take care of Edward. Currently, he was staring out the window, watching as his breath fogged up the glass. He was drawing things into the fog, looking more relaxed then I'd seen him in quite some time.

"C'mere Bella! Look at this!" he shouted, and I made my way over.

In the cloudy glass Edward had drawn a heart. When I looked closer I could read what he had written in the heart.

_E + B _

"Do you get it, Bella? That's us. You and me," he explained with a grin, and I couldn't help but smile back.

This wasn't exactly the way I had envisioned this night going, but it was better than nothing. At least I knew he had feelings for me, too.

"I get it, Edward. I really do."

We stood there, looking at the foggy letters until they disappeared and I might have given a mental fistpump when I felt Edward's hand slide around my waist, squeezing me towards him.

"Edward, I..."

Before I could even begin to tell him that we probably shouldn't do anything because he was under the influence, two slightly rum flavored lips closed over my own, making me sigh.

"Shh..." Edward whispered against my lips before he started moving his own again. His own perfectly lush, plump, delicious lips. This kiss was even better than the one we had shared before, and when his fingers started to dig into my waist and pull me closer, I may have even groaned.

I knew we were relatively safe, but I figured we should move away from the window, just in case we were spotted. I pulled Edward over to his desk and sat down on it, tugging him between my legs.

"Oh, Bella," he moaned before claiming my mouth again. His kisses were slightly sloppy this time, but I hardly noticed as his hands started traveling up and down my sides. I had never seen this side of Edward before...so strong and sure. His hands slid up to cup my breasts and his fingers pinched my now tight nipples. Edward's lips moved from my own to trail a path of hot kisses down my jaw, neck and collarbone. While his mouth was busy marking my neck, his hands traveled down, pushing up the edge of my skirt.

His palm quickly found its way up to my underwear, and I was secretly glad I had opted for a satin pair. Edward's thumb pressed up again the now wet material, and I groaned, wanting more. My own hand slipped down and stroked him through his pants. He was hard, and from what I could feel, nicely equipped. We stroked each other through our clothes, each of us panting and moaning.

"Fuck, Bella!" Edward shouted, causing me to look up. His eyes were dark, while beads of sweat started dotting his forehead. His lower lip was tugged into his mouth as I felt his hips thrust into my hand. I was doing my own thrusting, trying to get his hand exactly where I wanted it. I was so close, and once his thumb moved up slightly to press down on my clit, I was done for. I started shuddering, and I swore I could feel Edward shaking as well. As I rode out my orgasm, I tried my best to keep stroking Edward, hoping to get him off as well. I heard him curse and then "Bella!" slipped from his lips.

I mentally patted myself on the back for doing such a good job, even while hazy from my own climax, and kept pumping him through his pants. Edward leaned over me, letting out a loud moan, and then he...

...threw up.

Fortunately, he missed me and most of his desk, as rum-laced vomit splattered all over the floor, just shy of his wastebasket. I did my best to slip out from under him as Edward slumped against the desk.

"Ung..." he moaned before emptying his stomach yet again. I rushed over to the sink in his classroom and filled up his "I heart biology" mug with some water and grabbed some paper towels before checking in on Edward. He was no longer leaning against the table, and instead was sitting on the floor, thankfully away from the puddle of puke, cradling his head in his hands.

"Edward?" I whispered, not wanting to make things worse. "I, um, got you some water."

He kept his head down, so I placed the mug and a few paper towels to his side before using the rest to try and wipe up what I could. Realizing we couldn't avoid the issue forever, I slid down the wall and sat next to him, lightly placing my hand on his shoulder.

"You okay?" I asked, fearful of his answer.

"I've been better," he replied with a snort.

I noticed the water was gone, so at least he'd re-hydrated. I dug around in my purse and found a mint, which Edward took eagerly. As he chewed on the mint, I tried to think of something to say that would make the last five minutes disappear.

"I'm such an idiot Bella. I'm so sorry."

I craned my neck to see that Edward was now looking at me with a pitiful expression.

"What do you have to be sorry for?" I asked, hoping to lighten the mood. "That fuckawesome kiss by the window?"

"Bella!" Edward cried, and then groaned, as his shout probably made his head ring. After a few beats of silence, he continued. "But yeah, it kind of was fuckawesome. Huh?"

"Yup," I agreed and then decided to just go for it. "And I'd really like the chance to try it again. You know, when you're not drunk or tossing your cookies."

Edward's eyes widened, and he took my hand in his, slowly rubbing his thumb against my skin.

"I'd like that too, Bella. I really would."

We sat there in comfortable silence for a few minutes, and I knew we probably needed to either get back, or at least check in with Mrs. Cope before somebody started looking for us. I gathered up Edward's mug, but before I could stand up, Edward tugged on my arm, getting my attention.

"Would you...I mean, would you like to go out on a date. A real one? Like, without students and spiked punch and fake snow?"

I nodded eagerly and helped him stand up. Edward wobbled a little bit, but I supported him as he regained his balance.

"I'd really like that a lot, Edward."

I grinned to myself as we walked back downstairs, arm in arm. Right before we turned the corner towards the gym, Edward pulled me towards him, and pressed me up against the wall. His head hovered near mine and all of a sudden I felt his lips ghost my cheek.

"I promise our real first date will go a whole lot smoother," he whispered, before righting himself again.

I snickered, having a feeling that nothing would ever go smoothly with Edward, but not caring a bit about it.

* * *

**A/N:** Wouldn't you like to see them on a date? I think I might...

In addition to possibly adding one more shot to this awkwardness...here's the laundry list of what's going on:

- AngstGoddess003 and I are hosting a contest! If you enjoyed The Hood, I think you'll dig the **High Times Contest**! You can find more info on my profile or at http:/www(DOT)fanfiction(DOT)net/u/2685261/

- I'm working on an outtake from **The Hood** for the Fandom Against Domestic Violence fundraiser. A TON of fabulous authors are participating, so check it out at fandomagainstdomesticviolence(DOT)blogspot(DOT)com. If you're interested to see what happened when Edward and Bella reunited at that concert mentioned in the epilogue, go and donate now to a wonderful cause!

- PerfectlyPersuasive and I got together some of the most kick-ass authors in the Twi-slash world and we're going to be writing one insane collab -** Big Gay Story**. You can find more info about our group, **The Slashtastics** over on my profile, or at http:/www(DOT)fanfiction(DOT)net/u/2632680/The_Slashtastics

-and, you can always follow me on Twitter (link in profile) for updates on new stuff I might be writing and whatnot.

xo


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